Thursday, July 7, 2011

Due Date

Last November I discovered I was pregnant and tomorrow would have been my "due date". (You can read about what happened here). Wow, I can't believe that had things been different, I could already be holding, or about to hold, a little bundle of joy! Joy... the middle name we chose if the baby was a girl.

I can't say that 'so much has happened' over the past nine months. It's just been life as normal.

After losing the baby, we were told that if we did want to get pregnant again, we should wait 3 to 6 months before trying. I'm glad we had this time to decide whether we would 'try' to get pregnant. At the end of last year and the first month or two of this year, we pretty much had decided to have another baby.

As time went on, there began to be more days when we' d think 'I don't know', then gradually more days that we felt 'no'- well I'm speaking for myself here. Mark would happily have had more children, but said that ultimately the decision is mine since I'm the one who has to go through the pregnancy and delivery etc - mind you, Mark has always been a wonderful supporter and is always there for me and certainly isn't saying that I'd be on my own. He is realistic and knows that at the end of the day, I have to be able to cope with a new baby.

Such a hard decision to make - it was a no brainer when we wanted the boys - of course we were going to have children. Of course we were going to have more than one. Of course we were going to have number three - oh hang on - life threw us a curve ball just before we were going to start 'trying for number three' and I began to have anxiety attacks. We put off having number three while we sorted out my mental health issues...  which ended up taking several years and by then the question hovering over number three was 'How would I cope?' Since I couldn't honestly answer that question, we decided that since we had two beautiful children, why make things harder for ourselves and them and the rest of our family by having another baby if I can't cope. It was the unknown answer that decided for us.

And that was that. It probably took me about two years to come to terms with the fact that we were not going to have anymore children. It was something I grieved over. We consoled ourselves with the fact that we'd meet our third child (which would have really been our first) in heaven (I had a miscarriage almost three years before having Cameron).

So now? We decided once again, that we will leave our family the way it is with the two beautiful boys we do have. There are other factors now at play too, I work, do I want to give that up? Can we afford to give up my wage? Do we want to give up my wage? How will the large age gap work? I'm getting closer to 40, how would I cope if we did have a baby with Down Syndrome? (we wouldn't be 'getting rid' of any baby we conceived). Do we really want to have broken sleep when we've been past that stage for several years?

It was a difficult decision, but I'm glad we had several months to make it. Over time we went from more days saying 'yes', to more days saying 'I don't know', to more days saying 'I don't think so', to more days saying 'no'. There still are times when I think 'It'd be nice' but those times don't last too long.

Having said all that, I still wish that things had been different and that this baby had been growing in my womb. I still grieve for this baby (and the one before Cam - who would now be 13! Oh my gosh!) and I look forward to meeting this baby one day in heaven. I have two earthly babies and two heavenly ones.

Now we enjoy our friends' little baby, Eden - who is now no longer a baby, but is almost two years old. I call her my 'pretend daughter' and her parents call us 'her other parents'. She has helped fill a space in my heart that has always longed for a little girl, but we get the best of both worlds, we can usually hand her back when she has a dirty nappy! hahaha

Eden has always been a special baby to me. I don't know why - I've never got clucky over my friends babies, and when Eden was born and a little baby, I didn't really know her mum Renee all that well. But there has been 'something there' with Eden and I - some sort of bond.

April 2010

April 2010

July 2010

January 2011

May 2011

Over the past nine months Renee and I have developed a wonderful friendship, she was there for me in ways that no-one else was when we went through what we did, and I'm so grateful for her friendship and love. Over the past few months, we've discovered that we have so much in common - and that our husbands do too. Our children all love playing together, our boys dote over Eden as she does them. I've never had a friend whom I have felt so comfortable with. Renee truly is the sister I never had. God has blessed me wonderfully. Thank you Renee for sharing Eden with me and for being my 'sister friend'.


Mother Duck said...

I'm glad that you've settled in your heart a decision that you are both happy with. It's been such a journey for you.

You know I am happy to share Eedie with you and I think you know that her bond with you is just as strong as yours with her. I love watching her run up to you and listen to her calling out "sassy" when she see you.

God has blessed me wonderfully with your friendship too.

You are a beautiful family. xxx

Jenny said...

Hi Sandra, I just found your blog today after noticing that you're following mine (thanks!). I'm so sorry for your losses. I, too, have a baby in heaven... he or she would be 7 years old now. I'm so happy for you that you've found such a wonderful friend and a little girl to enjoy as well.

Girl in the sun said...

Dear dear Sandra, thank you for sharing your heart, it was big for you do do that I know - because I too lost babies ( many), one which at 26 weeks would now have been saved. And Sandra that nostalgia and wanderlust never ceases, but it does abate, & softens into a contentment in time.
How good God is though - I met Nee at a time when we'd commenced working towards overseas adoption, until God sent along a little 7 year old renegade of a lad already expelled from two schools. A boy? God what were you thinking? You knew I always only craved a little girl. But, as always God had that in hand too when one day this young girl walked up our drive and straight into my heart - that was Renee, my 'pretend daughter'. And God in His wisdom saw the joy she brought to me, & has bestowed the same gift on you, with Renee's Eedie.
So Sandra enjoy the family God blessed you with, and enjoy that little girl (& her Mum) that God brought up your drive and into YOUR heart.
Bless you Sandra, my love,
Susan xx
Please feel free to delete this post- just wanted to share it with you, but it's nearly 2am and typing on my phone under the duvet is not an ideal position for lucid writings LOL.

Mother Duck said...

Suz, you made me cry with your words. I know you call me "pretend", but the love I have for you as my second mum is very real. xxx

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